#7 - Ads for Sonic. No Sonics.

I think what annoys me most about the fact that there are thousands of Sonic ads, but no actual Sonics, is that Sonic seems like a pretty great place. Those slushy iced drinks look to be some kind of next-level refreshment, and the breakfast burrito with tater tots in it? Please. I'd murder one of those. And yet, I can't have one, because, although Sonic runs near constant ads everywhere I've lived--New York, San Diego, Wisconsin--there aren't any Sonics in any of those places. In fact, according to the Sonic Locator (www.sonicdrivein.com/locator,) the closest sonic to me right now is in Davenport, Iowa. Right. Like that could ever be verified! Who came up with the business plan to buy ad time in the country's most expensive media markets but not establish any actual restaurants there? The Underpants Gnomes? The New Coke Guy? Maybe "Sonic," the concept, is some kind of postmodern underground anti-advertising movement like those Andre The Giant Has A Posse stickers. Or maybe it's a large-scale psychological experiment to see if mass media can implant memories of things we never experienced into our brains? Maybe in 40 years we'll all be sitting around having conversations about the great times we think we had at Sonic...

"Hey man, remember when we used to sit in the car saying snarky
things about the newest offering from Sonic?"

"Yeah, dude. We were so alive back then!"


#6 - Underrating the Tenacity of Ladybugs!

When you think, which I know you often do, about the most tenacious survivors in the insect kingdom, you probably give most of the props to cockroaches. Now, there's nothing wrong with that. Cockroaches are definitely superior survivors. But how about reserving a little admiration for the humble, trundling ladybug? I live in Wisconsin where winter is unrelenting and punishing and has very little upside. In fact, just about the only plus our winter concedes is the fact that summer's swarms of bugs have been largely exterminated by the cold. But not the ladybugs. Oh no, my friend! Midwestern ladybugs love them some winter. (They're actually a fresh-off-the-boat, recent immigrant species called Asian Lady Beetles.) These tough old bug broads don't even disrupt operations. They just move on inside and hang out around the ceiling fan and the blinds talking shit about the cockroaches and blowing the minds of any two-year-olds you might have lying around. You go girls.

#5 - People Who Don't Remove the Protective Stickers

Here's the deal: I'm essentially predisposed to hate people. If I meet someone new, until I figure out he rules, my default assumption will be that he sucks. This is because while awesome people are the best, hateful people are much more interesting than people who are just okay. Now, this is not to suggest that my approval is anything anyone needs to go out of his way to earn; In fact, I assume most people assume I suck, because in so very many ways, I do. I'm comfortable with the assumption of suckage because, in my experience, a lot of the best people both rule and suck simultaneously in some kind of alchemical but ultimately satisfying ratio. I mean, if you think about it, how many of the people you most treasure are actually quite difficult to like? A lot, right?

Now, although my new acquaintance evaluation tendency is the Assumption of Sucking, I'm usually willing to talk to someone long enough to determine if, underlying the initial suck, there might be a vein of promise hinting that, overall, the person is pretty cool. There are, however, a few things which will immediately cause me to cut bait and toss the new person on the suck pile. Chief among these is the failure to remove the stickers from your purchases. If I see you using your cell phone and you've yet to peel off the plastic protecting the screen? Bye. You suck. Similarly, if I'm at your house and there are still stickers on the bottoms of your wine glasses? You're cut off. See you later. Want me to put in the movie? Sure. But if I discover that little sticky strip still clinging to your DVD player, I'm going to spend the rest of the evening badmouthing you to my wife. Feel free to do the same to me. You've got ample reason.

#4 - Over-Excusers

You know these bastards. You're standing in the grocery store trying to figure out a storage solution which would allow you to start buying those inexpensive Mexican spices in the plastic bags when someone passes eight feet behind you and drops an unwarranted, unnecessary "excuse me" on you. Then you have to discontinue your cogitatin' to assure them you took no offense when they passed through your (very) general vicinity. What's really annoying about over-excusers is that I imagine they expect everyone to maintain the same ridiculous parameters of intrusion they do. Therefore, when you walk anywhere near them and don't beg their pardon, they think, "How rude!" and run off home to blog about you! The nerve! Oh, and btw, I haven't studied this, but I suspect these are the same people who will hold a door for you when you're a mile and half away so you have to rush up to meet them. Asshats.

#3 - Printers

Here's a thought: What if, instead of my printer kind of sending and receiving faxes and sort of scanning things and sometimes copying documents, what if it just...printed stuff?

Honestly, have you ever known a printer that would work, say, three times in a row? Of course not. Because if you took a printer engineer, and doped him up and beat the truth out of him, I'm pretty sure he'd admit that mankind is actually still decades away from a functional understanding of printer technology.

I believe in the not-too-distant future, a class action suit will compel the printer companies to admit that, in reality, printers should still probably be at the stage where they take up entire rooms and cost $300,000.

I think they’ll be forced to issue rebate checks to all their victims along with a letter that says, “Look, we’re sorry. Our understanding of printing theory is really still in its infancy. These things are nowhere near market-ready, but you guys just kept buying the prototypes and we couldn’t resist the money.”

#2 - Cash Only Places

What are you kidding me? What are you saving per transaction with this cagey ploy? Maybe a nickel? And how many potential customers are avoiding your business because no one other than senior citizens carries cash any more? And no thank you on the ol' ATM in the corner scam either. I'll just go somewhere else you turds!

#1 - Non-Identical Twins

What the fuck is the point of non-identical twins? Can't we call them something else? Same day siblings or something like that? If you tell me you have a twin, and someone shows up up who looks nothing like you, we might fight. Because I got all fired up thinking about the hijinks we were going to pull and now I've got the identical-twin-caper-planning-equivalent of blue balls. Look, we here at FTF know it's not NIT's fault they're NI, but fuck 'em anyway. Sorry, we cant go making exceptions just for you. Or your brother who looks nothing like you.