#18 (Continued) - Females Sighted Bringing Their Own Full-Size Pillows On Planes, By Race

White: 1
Other: 0

*Although the carrier was a full-grown woman, the pillow featured Spongebob Squarepants. Possibly she was carrying it for a child in which case it would not count.
*Route: New York - Chicago

White: 8
Other: 0

(If you sight an own-pillow carrier, please email [email protected] with your tally, their races and your route.)

#32 - Don't Be A Dick

If I were ever to write a book (Hello? Publishing people?) about my theories on life and thriving in the world, the title of the book would be: Don't Be A Dick.

The simple sentiment "Don't Be A Dick" could replace about 94% of all the laws and regulations in the world. I mean, for certain things, Air Traffic Control, Alternate Side of the Street Parking, we need to actually go ahead and write down some rules. But for the majority of real, human-to-human disputes, Don't Be A Dick more than suffices.

Rather than having expensive lawyers stand there in court summating and arguing and precedenting, the judge could simply apply Dickem's Razor: He who is being more of a dick is wrong. How simple is that?

I've been all around the world. All the continents and almost 50 countries and what I've learned is, no matter where you are, if you Don't Be A Dick, you will probably be fine. Now, being a dick can be either interpersonal, or extrapersonal. So: Not Being A Dick might mean eating the pickled reindeer the nice Finnish Eskimo has offered you; or it might mean not using a streetside ATM in Columbia at 3 in the morning.

Surprisingly often, Not Being a Dick will actually require you to be a bit of a dick. So, if you're on the train going to Moscow and some drunken stinky fellow starts yelling at you because you don't want to share his bottle of bathtub vodka, the Don't Be A Dick principle does not require you to sit there grinning and enduring the abuse. In fact, in that case, Not Being A Dick might mean changing cars, or kicking the guy in the knee.

One of the coolest examples of Not Being a Dick By Being A Dick I ever saw occurred on one of those ex-Soviet trains. There was a drunken father and son sitting there yelling and drinking and smoking those filthy Russian cigarettes that I think are just filled with wood shavings. The smell was awful and the noise was awful, but they were two big burly guys, so nobody wanted to do anything about it.

Also in the car was this enormous, hard looking farmer-type with a flattened nose and huge hands who was sitting next to his, I'll guess, eight-year-old son. He looked like one of those Men of the Land whose lifetime of labors has diminished his relationship with pain to the extent that he would tear his arm off in a baler, but finish the bale he was working on and turn out the barn lights before seeking help.

I could tell the farmer was fighting back the urge to smash these two knuckleheads into oblivion because he didn't want his kid to get covered in blood, but when the drunks lit up two new smokes off the ends of their last ones, he snapped.

He exploded out of his seat and dropped an awesome simultaneous open-handed slap on the two drunks. This was an amazing move, so let me make sure you understand exactly what happened: In about .2 seconds he got up, crossed the car and using both hands smacked the two guys so hard on opposite cheeks that their heads whacked together. You very rarely see an in-game use of the two-handed slap/headknock so I was pretty happy to be there.

Then he got angry.

He said something in Russian, which I didn't understand, but which I assume was frightening, then he grabbed the drunks' lighter and tried to throw it out the window. He missed the window, but the end result was even better. I guess the spark wheel of the lighter must have hit the metallic window pane at the same time as the plastic gas container broke apart. This resulted in the two drunks being momentarily consumed by a massive fireball and then peppered by molten shards of near vaporized plastic.

To his eternal credit, the farmer/slayer didn't even react to the explosion. He just gave the drunks a pointed stare--as if he routinely cast balls of fire at people who annoyed him--and then went and sat down with his kid who looked up at him like he was Thor.

I couldn't understand what the two drunks said after that, but I assumed they discussed, in hushed tones, the black luck that landed them in the same train car as the world's angriest and least tolerant warrior mage.

So what I'm saying is, Don't Be A Dick.

#31 (Continued) - Very, Very Low-Level Superheroes in the News!

Just one day after the official formation of The Mild Five*, one of our number is on the front page! Tell me this hostage-saving mimic wouldn't be a proud addition to our ranks? The power to imitate terrorist leaders and command their underlings to release a bunch of hostages (more or less) is so awesome I think this guy's probably too powerful for us. I mean, he's not an A-lister. He's not hanging out at Wayne Manor or the Fortress of Solitude, but I bet he thinks he's too cool for the Mild Five* at this point. He's, at the very least, sitting with the skaters and rockers at lunch now instead of us. In fact, he probably wouldn't even deign to speak with us anymore. Not in his own voice anyway. We'd call him and he'd just mock us with his C-list power.

"Would you like to join The Mild Five*?"

"Would you like to join The Mild Five*?"

"Whoa. Wait. Are you getting that echo?"

"Are you getting that echo?"

"Hang on. Let me call you right back."

"Actually, don't bother."

Okay pal. But just wait 'til we tell your new "friends" about that time we decided to investigate Mr. Meanbee's mansion on Hawkeye Drive and you got scared by his dog and we had to carry you home crying to your mommy. The only thing you were mimicking that day was a big 'ol wuss.

Mild Five* Current Roster (See Comments for Original Descriptions of Powers)
Professor Punctual the Soupmaker--Duplicates soups, always wakes up in time to stop his alarm from going off**
The Human Tivo--Invariably returns to his TV show just as the commercials end
The Finisher--Uncannily always uses the bathroom when there's only one serving of toilet paper left and is forced to change the roll 
I-Saw-This-One-Japanese-Game-Show... Man--If he describes a TV show to you, it will be funnier than if you saw the show itself!

Not on the Roster
Too Cool for School Mimic McGee Who Forgets Who His Real Friends Are--Is a butthead

* roster subject to expansion without notice 
**immune to hepatitis

#31-Two Things I Can Do I Suspect May Be Very, Very Low-Level Superpowers, Plus Very, Very Low-Level Superpowers I Wish I Had and Other Lists

Three Things I Can Do I Suspect May Be Very, Very Low-Level Superpowers:
1. I can craft a reasonable facsimile of any soup without a recipe
2. If I set an alarm, no matter what time I set it for, I wake up just in time to keep it from going off
3. I am immune to hepatitis (Thanks to Stretch for reminding me about this one)

One Thing My Brother Can Do I Suspect May Be A VVLLSP:
1. If he tells you about a TV show he saw, his description will be funnier than if you actually saw the show

Two VVLLSPs I Would Like To Have:
1. I can nap whenever I want just by concentrating really hard
2. I can actually do magic, but my powers are limited to finding selected cards, producing long strings of handkerchiefs and pulling rabbits from hats

One VVLLSP My Friend Ky Would Like To Have:
1. He can make his eyes glow red. No lasers or anything. Just red.

*If you have a VVLLSP of your own, please add it to the comments section below. I am hoping to form a Justice League-like team of Superheroes called The Mild Five.   

#30 - Bad Grammar

I'm not saying you need to use perfect grammar all the time. But I do think everyone should establish at least a toe hold on the major mistake areas. If you're going to get a tattoo of Elmer Fudd on your ass, for example, you might want to run a spelling and grammar check on the accompanying text before you ink it. Of course, if you're going to get a tattoo on your butt depicting Elmer Fudd hunting for Bugs Bunny inside of your asshole, you might be running a judgement deficit in the first place.

I had horrible grammar for about half of my life. I just didn't care about it. But then I moved to a country, Latvia, where I didn't know anyone, I couldn't speak the language, and it was too cold to go outside for about 10 months of the year. I had to find ways to occupy myself during this time, so I took on various projects: I worked out every day with a bunch of bricks that I tied up inside the dismembered legs of an old pair of jeans; I forced myself to do everyday chores left-handed to improve my ambidextrousness (this is still paying dividends, by the way;) I concentrated on improving my handwriting; and I read all the time. All. The. Time.

As soon as I walked in the door of my crappy apartment I'd grab a book and start reading. I'd cook while reading, I'd read while doing sit ups, I even made a book holder so that I could read while I sat in the tub washing my socks. (Provided it was the weekend when the hot water was turned on, that is.)

Eventually, I decided to read with a purpose. I assigned myself various reading projects: One of these was to read the works of Charles Dickens all the way through in chronological order without stopping; another was to read all the original major monster books--Dracula, Frankenstein, The Invisible Man, Jekyll and Hyde, etc...--to see how the legends began; and still one more was to figure out how grammar worked.

Here are a few things that I didn't know before I decided to just learn them. Memorize these rules once, and you never have to learn them again:

1. The apostrophe never makes a plural. It's "moronic tattoos" not "moronic tattoo's," "shitheads" not "shithead's."

2. When trying to figure out when to use "me" or "I," simple isolate yourself in the sentence. So, let's say your bro Mark is going with you to the tattoo shop to support you as you get the world's illest-advised tattoo on your ass. Is it, "Mark and I are going to the tattoo parlor so I can get the world's illest-advised tattoo on my ass?" Or "Mark and me are going to the tattoo parlor so I can get the world's illest-advised tattoo on my ass?" Well, just take your bro Mark out of the equation. Would you say, "I am going TTTPSICGTWIATOMA?" Or, "Me am going TTTPSICGTWIATOMA?" Obviously, the former.

A lot of people who never learn this trick default to "I" in all cases because they think it sounds more educated-er. I find the opposite to be true. Therefore, when a "me" is called for, it's even more important to use this trick. Is it, "The illiterate tattoo artist greeted my bro Mark and I at the door?" Or, "The illiterate tattoo artist greeted my bro Mark and me at the door?" Again, leave bro Mark out of it. Would you say, "The illiterate tattoo artist greeted I at the door?" No. So me's the way to go in that case. (By the way, I know you would never leave your bro Mark out of your plans. He's a god among bros, bro. It's just an example.)

These rules are pretty simple. Once you learn them, you don't have to think about them again and asinine ass tattoos can be easily avoided.

#18 (Continued) - Females Sighted Bringing Their Own Full-Size Pillows On Planes, By Race

White: 3
Other: 0

*1 pillow was sort of a hybrid pillow/green and purple dinosaur, but the woman was about 25, and it was clearly a sleep aid, so I conferred with the wife and we agreed it counted
*Route: Madison - Chicago, Chicago - Providence

White: 7
Other: 0

(If you sight an own-pillow carrier, please email [email protected] with your tally, their races and your route.)

#29 - Apologizing for Not Blogging Enough While You're On Vacation

As my friend John points out, 95% of apologies for not blogging enough while you're away on vay-cay are unnecessary. So F you guys. I'm "Gone To The Beach."

PS: In the dream vacation scenario pictured above, I'm the blonde.

#28 - The Fact That All Vetetables Don't Make Your Pee Stinky Like Asparagus Does

I am fascinated with asparagus pee. In fact, I dare say, it might be my favorite part of eating asparagus. I sit there, munching the savory stalks and wondering just how appalling and foul my pee is going to be. I also like it the following morning, when you've forgotten all about the asparagus, and you pee, and you're thinking, "What the hell happened here?" But then you remember about the asparagus and you're psyched!

But here's my question: why don't more vegetables affect your pee? Why don't we have cauliflower pee and turnip pee and kale pee? Wouldn't that be great? The closest we can get now is to combine asparagus pee with beet poo, but I still feel like there's a missed opportunity there. Come on. Pea pee? That would be awesome!

PS: If you're really, really into asparagus pee--even more than I am--you could get one of these asparagus pee hoodies.

#27 - Jean Shorts On Men

Can anyone tell me why the following is true?

Jeans = Personification of Cool

Jean Shorts = Antithesis of Cool

It's one of the great mysteries of the universe.

I should make it clear that by this I am not referring to jean shorts that you earned by wearing a pair of jeans until the legs came off. No. I am only talking about jean shorts that were manufactured deliberately as shorts. And even then only in terms of menswear. Womenswear designers have somehow circumvented this rule. But on a guy, a pair of factory tooled jean shorts are a nightmare.

Try this little experiment next time you're at a flea market or a swap meet or street fair. Find the tool who brought a parrot or a snake or a monkey with him and is parading around like it makes him cool. Now look at his legs. Bingo! Manufactured jean shorts. Every time.

Adding to the oddity of this phenomenon is the fact that uncut jeans are very cool. This raises the question: Is the essence of cool contained in the section of your jeans that covers the area between your knees and the tops of your feet? And if this is the case, would a pair of denim legwarmers be the coolest piece of clothing ever?

I am a big supporter of Levis jeans. They make a ton of styles and they last forever. I think every guy should just take an afternoon, go try on all the Levis they have at your local department store and figure out which fit you like. I discovered that the 569s are the way to go for me, and you can get them in many interesting washes: faded, dark, black, even this weird cammo blue cargo that I rock sometimes. The all-encompassing Levi fitting may sound daunting, but it's actually a one-shot time investment which will save you a lot of aggravation in the long run. This is because once you know which Levi fits you best, you can buy them without trying them on, over the Internet, however you want. And if you spy a particularly amazing pair of jeans elsewhere, you can augment your solid Levi lineup with those.

You can also rest easy knowing this will never happen to you:

#26 - Top Three Underachievers of the Fruit World and Two Foods That I Would Always Eat (With One Hypothetical Exception)

3. Papaya: Papaya looks very delicious, but in fact it is sinister, dastardly, and tastes like soil. About once a year I get beguiled by a papaya and I give it another shot. These experiments invariably end in tears. The only enjoyable way to consume papaya is when you get it from Gray's Papaya with a hot dog. Strangely, then, it's about the best thing ever.

2. Peaches: Get a good peach and you're in heaven. But when do you ever get a good peach? Never. That's when. I suppose it's theoretically possibly that if you went down south and stood under a peach tree and ate a peach during a fourteen minute period during high summer, you might experience peach greatness, but how many of us ever reach this peach-vana? I think most people likely go through life and have one, maybe two, positive peach experiences. Really, peach Jelly Bellies are probably your best bet for perfect peach flavor, and when the candy manifestations of a fruit outperform the fruit itself by a wide margin, you're looking at a waste of potential.

1. Pomegranate: Always, ALWAYS!, a let down. Mother Nature, you were really onto something here. But then you got carried away with the seeds! Why couldn't you control yourself? How fertile does one plant really need to be to?What was your plan for the pomegranate? That it become the dominant plant on Earth? Can you imagine if pomegranates were structured like apples? If there were just a few seeds and the rest was all that crispy red flesh? Holy moley! We'd never eat anything else. It's heartbreaking. Pomegranates are the Len Bias of fruit.

Two Foods I Would Always Eat
2. English Muffins: Let's say you're walking out the door of your fave restaurant just having eaten the greatest meal of your life. You're stuffed. Completely sated. And just as the woman is helping you on with your coat, a waiter comes up and offers you a perfectly-toasted, buttery English Muffin. Do you eat it? Of course you do. P = English Muffin, Q = Eat It. If P, then Q. It's an immutable law of the universe.

1. Lobster: I was trying to think of an occasion on which I would not eat a lobster and the only scenario I could devise is this: I am being held captive by a race of giant, malevolent lobsters and they offer me a lobster as test. In that case, I would say no. But you can bet your bottom dollar as soon as I was released or rescued, I'd go eat lobster to make up for the missed opportunity.

#25 - The First Five Non-Food Things I Would Eat In An Emergency

5. My baseball glove. (A Nakona AMG1150. Made of kangaroo leather. This thing is so perfect it's like I found a genie in a bottle, and my first wish was to know what would really and truly make me happy, and then my second wish was for this glove.)

4. Motor oil (As a kind of energy shake, or drizzled over #3.)

3. Band Aids

2. My wife. (See #16)

1. The Taco Bell Spicy Chicken Crunchwrap Supreme

#24 - Just Missing Out On Magic

I was warming up for a baseball game the other day when I found this scrap of paper in the grass.

I looked around, but its original owner... HAD VANISHED!

#23 - Carrying Shit

Oh. My. God. I hate to carry shit. It makes me miserable. If I have even one extra thing in my pockets--say, a chunky hotel key, or my camera--my general happiness decreases by about 9%. Because of this I am always on the lookout for new ways to scale down my operation and carry fewer/smaller things.

If I find a thinner wallet, I buy it. I remove the valve covers from the tires on my bike. I sometimes even tear the tags out of my clothing. I found out I could just enter my phone number at the grocery store instead of keeping that scanner thing on my keychain, so I took it off.

I'm mortified and sickened when I see someone with one of those massive, 11-pound keychains with all kinds of fobs and knobs hanging off it. Unless you're a janitor, you don't need all that stuff. I once managed to reduce my entire key universe to just one key, which I kept in my wallet. It was heaven. Unfortunately, at the time, I lived in Latvia where some asshole had decided that all the money worth less than $10 should be coins! And $10 in Latvia at that time would have bought you an apartment, so my key innovations were negated.

I am such a passionate not-carrier of shit that when people say to me, "Hey, hold this for a second?" I have to think about it. Or if my wife decides her very tiny evening purse is the way to go and she wants me to carry her keys and her chapstick and her phone, I'll do it, but I'll sulk. Basically, anything in addition to my wallet, my phone, and my stripped-down keychain is an annoyance and burden to me.

And speaking of wallets, I have actually kidnapped friends' wallets for editing. You find some guys carrying around things like store-specific credit cards, their High School IDs, their memberships to the video store in their home town where they don't live anymore. Don't these dudes realize that all that shit's weighing them down? Not to mention causing them to sit on an incline? It's messing up their posture and their lives!

I'm also mystified when people go to great lengths to avoid checking their bags on planes. I mean, here's an opportunity to have someone else carry your stuff, and you're not going to take it? I don't mind non-checkers if they're on a day trip. Or if they've packed a sensible weekend bag. That's all well and good. But when you're flaunting the rules and trying to cram a steamer trunk into the overhead compartment just so you... what... get to carry your own shit a bit longer? I'm sorry, you're F-ed, pal.

Me? As soon as anyone in any kind of aviator-looking cap offers to take my bag off my hands, he's welcome to it. Does checked baggage occasionally go missing? Yes. But all that happens then is that they deliver the bag to you a few hours later. In which case, you didn't even have to carry it from airport! Score!

And while I'm on the subject of luggage, let me mention a change in policy around here. I used to think it was poor form for dudes to have wheelie luggage. I felt like a proper man should lug around a huge heavy bag like his forefathers did before him. Then I got me some wheelie luggage and all that changed. However, I do still believe that when a wheelie luggage-having man encounters a flooring surface on which his luggage will make an annoying clackity-clackity-clackity sound, he should pick up the bag and carry it over that portion of the floor.

For me, the ultimate luggage situation would go like this: I wear a light suit onto the plane and carry nothing but a book. Then, on the other end, I buy all the stuff I need for the trip. Of course, that policy would be a bit beyond my means, so until then I'm just going to rock the Large GB Sea Bag from Connolly Leather that my pops sorted out for me. The nice thing about there being a luxury leather company that has your last name is that you can rock monogrammed stuff without being ostentatious. In other words: It's got my freaking name on it, dude!

[Note, all these pictures are from the ingenious book Bikes of Burden, by Hans Kemp. He shot all the pics in the city of Saigon, where I bought my copy but it's also available here.]

#22 - 21 Ways To Thrive in the Recessed Economy

1. If you can’t get bread to eat, just have some nice cake.

2. Next time someone gives you a fish, thank him, but then try to learn where he found it and how he managed to capture it.

3. Get you some pencils, put 'em in a cup, and sell 'em. Or apples. Apples is good sellin'.

4. Patronize uglier hookers.

5. Since you're NOT giving up happy hour, drink cocktails with some nutritional value: bloody marys, pina coladas, martinis with extra olives, etc.

6. All You Can Eat (Not a bargain, a CHALLENGE!)

7. Cut down on toilet paper expenditures by training your ass muscles to pinch off your poops clean, or...

8. ...shop your workplace for everyday items like toilet paper, light bulbs, plants, liquid hand soap, those brown paper towels, etc...

9. Learn to cook pets. Animal shelters are a great source of free exotic meats.

10. Babysit!

11. Go to your town’s financial district. Wait for the stockbrokers to start jumping out the windows. Take their watches and wallets.

12. Never stop breastfeeding.

13. Okay, this is kind of complicated. 1. Start a munitions and defense contracting company. 2. Make friends with highly-placed political insiders. 3. Get elected vice president of the United States. 4. Start a war. 5. Gently usher all munitions sales and defense contacts to the company from step 1. 6. Repeat steps 4 and 5.

14. If you work in an office, learn to eat non-dairy creamer.

15. Push your kid relentlessly until it either gets drafted by the Yankees, wins American Idol, or becomes Steven Speilberg's protégé.

16. When deciding which of your friends you will eat in a pinch, base your selection not on which friend you think would be the most delicious, but on which one will provide the most sustenance while requiring the least caloric expenditure to kill.

17. Find oil

18. Get a job as a janitor in a department store and work there until the son of a captain of industry takes a fancy to you and requests you as his birthday present. For a while, you’ll have problems suffering the indignity of serving as a human “toy,” but eventually, you’ll both learn a lot about the nature of friendship—and money can’t buy that kind of understanding.

19. Just lower the poverty line. Duh.

20. Warning: Do not cut off your hair to buy your husband a watch chain, because he already sold the watch to buy you a comb!

21. Get a totally better job that totally pays more.

[NOTE: This content produced for Desert Living Magazine]

#21 - Top Five Non-Food Things My Brother Likes To Chew, 1 Being His Favorite

5. Fingernails (His)

4. The Flip Back Tops of To-Go Coffee Lids (Torn off)

3. Straws (Cocktail, by preference, but any kind will do in the absence of fingernails or flip back lids)

2. Bic Pen Ends (Not the cap, the little plug from non-writing end)

1. Clothing Tag Affixers (Any type, any time)

#20 - Shirt Staples

By what right, Mr. Dry Cleaner, did you put a staple in my shirt? I respect that you need some kind of labeling system to sort your charges by owner, but staples? Really? There's nothing else you could use there? Staples just seem so analog. Not to mention that they leave little twin punctures in the shirt. Isn't there some kind of stickering system we could put in play here? Maybe we could use all the leftover stickers from the fruit. Yes. That would work I think. Or how about twist ties on the hangers? Ever think of that? Look, there are a lot of you guys, and you don't seem to do very much, so if you put your heads together, I'm sure you could sort this out.

And while I'm on the subject of little twin punctures in my shirts, let me just announce I have a new stance on name tags. I used to be a bit of a rebel when it came to Hello My Name Is tags. I'd always try to find some kind of left of center place to affix them--on the thigh, on the upper arm like a military ranking designation. Now, I figure, I'm a father, I'm a big boy with real world responsibilities, so I just don't wear the fuckers at all and everyone can suck it.

#19 - All Men's Shorts Having Side Pockets

When was the decree handed down that all men's shorts needed to have gaping, tenting side pockets that make me look like I'm toting around a couple of grapefruits? And, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't the point of shorts that they be significantly shorter than pants? I've been looking for a pair of shorts for about three months now and I've learned a couple things: First of all, ALL shorts now have the side pockets. The only exception to this rule are "golf shorts." But since "golf shorts" just look like you took a pair of suit pants and cut off the legs, they're not much help. They also make you racist.

The second thing I've learned is that the entire men's shorts category consists of variations on three styles:

1. Cargo shorts: Ridiculously long and baggy shorts which have saddlebags hanging off them and end just above the ankle. They represent about 80% of the market and weigh 30 pounds. I rocked these all last summer before I realized, "Hey, these suck." Hence my current quest.

2. "Golf shorts:" Again, these are just suit pants with the legs cut off and as soon as you put them on, you vote for McCain and stop noticing Mexicans.

3. Ironic Plaid Grandpa Shorts: The rebel's choice. These are cargo shorts in wild, but not too wild, prints. You can only wear these if you also have a frayed cloth belt (often included.) You should also accent these with some kind of rope bracelet that symbolizes friendship and can't be taken off, like, for the whole summer.

There is also one other option: Performance shorts. These are made by companies like Columbia, and while they meet government side pocket standards, the pockets lie kind of flat against the legs which are not tooooo long. These are actually the shorts I went with, but even they're a little annoying. They're festooned with little cardboard placards depicting "me," the purchaser, doing shit like white water rafting and jumping over a little chasm in the facade of the mountain "I'm" climbing. I actually like these shorts. I bought 'em in two colors. But those placards bother me. I like the fact that they're attached with those deliciously chewable little plastic things, but the placards leave me with lingering regrets about how the makers of my shorts see me. When I put the shorts on, I found a little brochure in the pocket boasting that the shorts I was wearing offered a high degree of sun protection, so I needn't abbreviate my rafting/mountain climbing activities. Um, are they not made of cloth? Isn't cloth 100% SPF? Shorts industry: Why are you bent on alienating us?

PS: In an early-summer attempt to solve my shorts problems, I went on eBay and bought a couple vintage pairs of the best shorts of all time: Jamsworld Original Jams. These are awesome, and I wear them all the time, but the deal is, they're pretty distinctive and if you wear them every day, people know you're trying to sneak though the whole summer with just two pairs of shorts. That's why I had to augment with some new joints. If I had all the money in the world, I'd get me some of the new school Jams, which are still the hotness, or, perhaps even better yet, I'd get me some Bonobos, which, although they're mad expensive, are possibly the world's best-ever way to cover your legs.

As always, Vice Magazine nails this whole idea in the DOs and DON'Ts



#18 - Females Sighted Bringing Their Own Full-Size Pillows On Planes, By Race

White: 4
Other: 0

Route: Madison - Chicago, Chicago - Colorado Springs

(This is a running tally. If you sight an own-pillow carrier, please email [email protected] with the number of sightings plus the girls' races and your route.)

#17 - Takeout Coffee That Stays Scaldingly, Unsippably Hot For Hours

By what means does Dunkin' Donuts heat its coffee that it can remain undrinkably hot for an entire day? Nuclear power? Sorcery? Are they splitting atoms back there? Honestly, you could cook over a cup that coffee. And what corporate genius called a meeting and said, "We have to dedicate all of our resources to inventing a secret means of coffee heating that will allow people to continue burning their mouths long after any kind of reasonable cooling period has expired." Was the guy abused as a child? Did his mother inflict scaldings on him so he developed a really twisted concept of what an enjoyable coffee experience might be? Dear Make the Donuts Guy: You seem reasonable. And god knows you're dedicated to the business. So if you're not dead, which I think you are, could you possibly communicate the following to the Coffee Department: We're purchasing your coffee "to go." This means we're walking with it, or driving with it, or, heaven forfend, trying to drink it before our flight leaves. So please, we can't sit out a scalding period that's measured in half lives. You guys have to chill out, literally.