#17 - Takeout Coffee That Stays Scaldingly, Unsippably Hot For Hours

By what means does Dunkin' Donuts heat its coffee that it can remain undrinkably hot for an entire day? Nuclear power? Sorcery? Are they splitting atoms back there? Honestly, you could cook over a cup that coffee. And what corporate genius called a meeting and said, "We have to dedicate all of our resources to inventing a secret means of coffee heating that will allow people to continue burning their mouths long after any kind of reasonable cooling period has expired." Was the guy abused as a child? Did his mother inflict scaldings on him so he developed a really twisted concept of what an enjoyable coffee experience might be? Dear Make the Donuts Guy: You seem reasonable. And god knows you're dedicated to the business. So if you're not dead, which I think you are, could you possibly communicate the following to the Coffee Department: We're purchasing your coffee "to go." This means we're walking with it, or driving with it, or, heaven forfend, trying to drink it before our flight leaves. So please, we can't sit out a scalding period that's measured in half lives. You guys have to chill out, literally.

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