1. If you can’t get bread to eat, just have some nice cake.
2. Next time someone gives you a fish, thank him, but then try to learn where he found it and how he managed to capture it.
3. Get you some pencils, put 'em in a cup, and sell 'em. Or apples. Apples is good sellin'.
4. Patronize uglier hookers.
5. Since you're NOT giving up happy hour, drink cocktails with some nutritional value: bloody marys, pina coladas, martinis with extra olives, etc.
6. All You Can Eat (Not a bargain, a CHALLENGE!)
7. Cut down on toilet paper expenditures by training your ass muscles to pinch off your poops clean, or...
8. ...shop your workplace for everyday items like toilet paper, light bulbs, plants, liquid hand soap, those brown paper towels, etc...
9. Learn to cook pets. Animal shelters are a great source of free exotic meats.
11. Go to your town’s financial district. Wait for the stockbrokers to start jumping out the windows. Take their watches and wallets.
12. Never stop breastfeeding.
13. Okay, this is kind of complicated. 1. Start a munitions and defense contracting company. 2. Make friends with highly-placed political insiders. 3. Get elected vice president of the United States. 4. Start a war. 5. Gently usher all munitions sales and defense contacts to the company from step 1. 6. Repeat steps 4 and 5.
14. If you work in an office, learn to eat non-dairy creamer.
15. Push your kid relentlessly until it either gets drafted by the Yankees, wins American Idol, or becomes Steven Speilberg's protégé.
16. When deciding which of your friends you will eat in a pinch, base your selection not on which friend you think would be the most delicious, but on which one will provide the most sustenance while requiring the least caloric expenditure to kill.
17. Find oil
18. Get a job as a janitor in a department store and work there until the son of a captain of industry takes a fancy to you and requests you as his birthday present. For a while, you’ll have problems suffering the indignity of serving as a human “toy,” but eventually, you’ll both learn a lot about the nature of friendship—and money can’t buy that kind of understanding.
19. Just lower the poverty line. Duh.
20. Warning: Do not cut off your hair to buy your husband a watch chain, because he already sold the watch to buy you a comb!
21. Get a totally better job that totally pays more.
[NOTE: This content produced for Desert Living Magazine]