#55 - 10 Interesting Facts About Miracle Phones!

I'm so psyched you guys! I found another miracle phone right near our house! You've seen these phones haven't you? These magical payphones that seem to occur randomly around the country and disrupt the laws of physics and international commerce to the extent that you can call East Timor for $.50?

I've been observing Miracle Phones for a couple years now, and, although I've never actually used one--I don't want to corrupt my observations through interaction--I have developed a great fondness for them.

We are lucky enough to have TWO! miracle phones in our neighborhood, and interestingly, both are located in front of Mobile gas stations. I've been studying them for a while now--like Darwin tossing iguanas into the sea--and here are some thing I've discovered.

10 Interesting Facts About Miracle Phones!
1. Miracle Phones are not of this Earth. In fact, although they look like what we now call "payphones," they have stood, unaltered, since aliens erected them in the primordial ooze. Miracle Phones were not make to look like payphones, payphones were designed in homage to Miracle Phones.

2. You can call Narnia and Middle Earth from a Miracle Phone, but you need the equivalent of $.50 in Narnian or hobbit money.

3. The reason a call that would cost you $147 to make on an Earth phone only costs $.50 to make on a Miracle Phone is that the lines of communication Miracle Phones utilize were first laid in Pangea, the giant, unified landmass that existed 250 million years ago before the continental divide. Interestingly, last year, a Science Times story by Dr. Christopher R. Scotese predicted that in the year 250,002,008 AD the continents will reform into a new single landmass called Pangea Ultima. He credits this gradual land migration largely to tectonic shifts, but I believe that Miracle Phones have their own gravity and are slowly seeking to reunite.

4. You cannot use a Miracle Phone to escape The Matrix. Oddly, you could after the first Matrix film, but after The Matrix II the connection withered and died.

5. If you dial *1 on a Miracle Phone, you will be connected to your own voicemail. The Miracle Phone just knows who you are. If you dial 911, you will be connected Santa's workshop.

6. If you dial 411 on a Miracle Phone you can get the answer to any question. You can ask, for example, "Is John's Pizza better than Grimaldi's?" And you will get the real, true answer. You can also ask hypotheticals like, "If I'd just hauled off and punched that guy, would he have kicked my ass?" Or, "What does 'success' look like in Iraq?"

7. It is physically impossible to dial 867.5309 on a Miracle Phone.

8. Miracle Phones can be used to rechage a dead car battery in a pinch. They can also reanimate dead birds and butterfliles.

9. It is impossible to fold a dollar bill eight times. But if you could do it, you could wedge the bill into a Miracle Phone coin slot and the Phone would return $.50 change.

10. Miracle Phones cannot be created or destroyed. The total number of Miracle Phones in the universe remains constant although Miracle Phones can transform, shift forms or teleport to places where they can do more good. Additionally, if no one makes or receives calls on a Miracle Phone for a certain (yet undetermined) period of time, because the potential magic of the Phone will always be less than that of the initial state of the Phone, Miracle Phones can enter a state of entropy whereby their potential energy must be unlocked by someone who really, really needs to make a call.

What Did The Connollys Have For Dinner Last Night?
Breakfast! I thought for a long time about this and I couldn't really come up with anything. Turned out, the answer wasn't dinner at all. This was French Toast with maple syrup, blue and blackberries and bananas.


Joshua said...

Ain't no debate. John's is a superior pizza.