4. Any time I take vitamins without consuming a hand of bananas first
3. The Last And Final Time I Consumed Food From JJ’S FISH & CHICKEN AT 2835 EAST WASHINGTON AVENUE MADISON, WISCONSIN 53704
I believe JJ should probably think about changing the name of his establishment to JJ’s Near Fatal Fish & Chicken because that stuff was almost the end of me. It made me barf the third hardest I have ever barfed.
It was a football Sunday when JJ made his attempt on my life. I don’t remember who was playing, but I know I was psyched enough about the game to go get a bunch of wings from the newly-opened JJ’S FISH & CHICKEN AT 2835 EAST WASHINGTON AVENUE MADISON, WISCONSIN 53704.
Everything was fine during the actual eating phase of the experience, but about three hours later I started getting that feeling—you know the one… “Am I going to barf? I think I might barf. Yes? No? Is barfing going to happen? Can I prevent this? Maybe I should go in the bathroom. Wait, maybe if I…. NO! Barfing! BAAAAAARF! BAAAAAAAARF! BARF! Barf. Spit. Spit. *dab eyes*”
Often, after you throw up, you feel better. It’s kind of the nice, downhill coast with which you’re rewarded for enduring the long ascent of Mt. Upchuck. But the affliction I contracted by consuming the food from JJ’S FISH & CHICKEN AT 2835 EAST WASHINGTON AVENUE MADISON, WISCONSIN 53704 afforded no such concession. Why? Because the barfing never stopped. I threw up, I’m going to say, every seven minutes for about nine hours. I threw up so much that night that when I finally fell asleep around noon, I slept until 8 am the following day and woke up with two black eyes and ripped abs.
Oddly, this is not the only horrible experience I have had involving JJ’S FISH & CHICKEN AT 2835 EAST WASHINGTON AVENUE MADISON, WISCONSIN 53704. Obviously, I have forsworn the rancid, typhoid-laced food from JJ’S FISH & CHICKEN AT 2835 EAST WASHINGTON AVENUE MADISON, WISCONSIN 53704, but JJ has found other ways to punish me.
Last night I was coming home from a baseball game and I needed to pick up diapers. In a parking lot adjoining JJ’S FISH & CHICKEN AT 2835 EAST WASHINGTON AVENUE MADISON, WISCONSIN 53704, there is a Walgreens. It was late, but the Walgreens appeared to be open, so I parked the car and got out. When I reached the door I discovered two things: Walgreens was closed; and there was a maniac who appeared to have leprosy leaving JJ’S FISH & CHICKEN AT 2835 EAST WASHINGTON AVENUE MADISON, WISCONSIN 53704. The maniac was screaming his head off and waving a piece of chicken in each hand.
Now, when I say this gentleman had leprosy, obviously, I am being hyperbolic. I was not able to verify his condition with any kind of medical accuracy, but I do know that his hair and skin were both falling off in clumps and that he was extremely angry about something. (His leprosy, I assumed.)
Because the leper and his chicken and his ranting were all coming my way, I started heading back to the car. Unfortunately, I was wearing a full baseball uniform including metal cleats. My outfit not only slowed me down, but also attracted the chicken leper’s attention. I made it into the car and started it up, but the leper was already upon me. He was hastening up to the car making signs with his peeling hands that indicated he “just wanted to talk.” For the life of me, I not could think of anything I needed to hear from a chicken-wielding leper in an abandoned parking lot at 11 pm, so I eased down on the gas pedal and steered around him.
I drove a little ways through the parking lot until I got stopped by a red light and the oncoming cars on Washington. As I looked for a chance to enter the flow of traffic, I peeked into the rearview mirror to check on the chicken leper. Here’s what he was doing: he was shambling along behind me giving me the finger as hard as he could. Not content to merely raise his finger in my direction, he was actually pursuing me and holding the finger up to maximize the amount of time I was exposed to it.
Having been well and truly fingered, I peeled out into traffic. The chicken leper turned on his heel and headed back to JJ’s.
So, in conclusion, if you are ever offered a choice between eating at JJ’S FISH & CHICKEN AT 2835 EAST WASHINGTON AVENUE MADISON, WISCONSIN 53704 and having your hands permanently sewn to your balls so that everyone you see for the rest of your life thinks you’re masturbating in public, go with the ball surgery. JJ’S FISH & CHICKEN AT 2835 EAST WASHINGTON AVENUE MADISON, WISCONSIN 53704 will make you throw up for nine full hours and is chock full of lepers.
Next time on this Very Special Episode of FTF’s Top Four Amazing Vomit Experiences: Chris eats a sprouted potato!